A Handy Guide to Understanding Emotions

"What's the big deal?" "Stop being so dramatic." "Calm down." "Don't cry."

People react to big emotions with a knee-jerk desire to shut them down. We label sadness, anger and worry as BAD and try to snuff them out before they can blossom.

But what if I told you sadness, anger and worry were GOOD?

You'd probably say I was crazy. That anyone who has half a brain cell can tell you they feel bad. But FEELING bad doesn't mean BEING bad, and in fact, feeling bad is what makes them good. Let me explain by using physical pain as an example.

Imagine a life free of foot pain and discomfort. No agonizing blisters. No twisted ankles. No aching joints or overtaxed muscles. No negative sensations at all. Sounds wonderful right?

There are people who experience this. People with no visceral pain receptors. And you know what happens to them? Their feet get injured and gangrenous and toes fall off until they can no longer function. Undiagnosed injury due to lack of pain is the leading cause of morbidity in a disease called leprosy.

You see, pain has a PURPOSE. If you reach out to grab a hot pot handle that has the potential to burn you, the minute your hand registers the discomfort of the heat, it pulls back, preventing you from serious injury.

Just as pain has a purpose, so do our emotions. They identify problems in order to return us to equilibrium. Sadness points out what we don't have, so that we can replace it or enjoy what we still have while we have it. Anger points out what is unjust so we can fix it. Worry points out what could go wrong so we can prevent it.

For example, I'm worried I'll fall off the cliff, so I wear a safety harness while I rock climb. Or I'm worried I'll fall off the cliff so I stay on the trail that is a safe distance from the edge. The worry is there to prevent dangerous outcomes.

Emotions are messengers. Pure and Simple.

Emotions arise from teh interplay of neurochemicals in the brain and body for the adaptive (helpful) purpose of keeping us alive and thriving. They are fire alarms, guardrails, and motivators, designed to protect and polish.

Let's break this down a little. What makes you sad? A friend moves away. Your team loses. You get a bad grade. Your dog runs away. Your toy breaks. You don't get the solo. Etc. What do they all have in common?

Sadness says "I don't have (fill in the blank)." My friend. A win. Good grades. My dog. A toy. The solo. And so on.

The opposite of sadness is happiness. Happiness says "I have (fill in the blank)." It can be nurtured by gratitude. But happiness is only possible if we understand sadness, otherwise known as the LACK of something.

Anger says "(fill in the blank) isn't fair." The problem with anger is we don't understand equity and justice. We say "no fair" to mean "not what i want." This is just sadness hiding under a mask of anger. True anger rages at abuse. Healthy anger protects others. Anger is active. Like pulling pulling away from a hot stove. It empowers us to fight injustice.

Angers opposite is peace. Ideally, we would live at peace with everyone. Peace says "I can create equity." We have an internal template that understands peace, liberty, and justice. Three ideals that are only possible if we fight for them. Thus, the adaptive purpose of anger.

Finally, anxiety says "What could go wrong?" It is a unique emotion in that it is a forward thinking emotion. It asks "What might hurt?" Either me or someone I care about. One of the problems is, we don't know the difference between discomfort and pain. We don't understand that sometimes discomfort leads to greater good, like the pain of strengthening your muscles.

The opposite of anxiety is confidence. Knowing that we are capable. Predicting what will go right. Without experiencing mistakes, we'd never know anxiety. But we'd also never understand our own strength. Confidence says "I can do right."

All of our emotions have a good reason-an important message to deliver. Once we learn to understand them, we can begin to question them. We can sort the truth from the lies. Because our emotions don't come from events. They come from our thoughts about those events. nd we hold the power to focus those thoughts (see Steal Back Your Joy).

So instead of tossing about at the whim of your emotions, ask yourself "What is my problem?" Is there something I want? If so, this is sadness. Is there a chance for discomfort? Then I'm facing anxiety. Is there injustice? If so, I'm angry.

Once we've identified the thoughts behind the emotions, and eliminated untrue and unhelpful thoughts, we can make a plan to ameliorate the problem. Like the Anxiety Toilet.

Face the problem. Find a solution.

So stop running from your feelings. Face the thoughts. And fix the problems.