COUNTERBALANCE- The Key to Emotions

When sadness comes like a crashing wave, or anxiety pulls the ground out from under my feet, or the searing ache of hurt lights the fire of anger in my heart, what do I do? I described in Steal Back Your Joy the basic idea of shifting thoughts, but how do I know where to shift my focus? Good news is there's a simple formula. Counterbalance.

It goes like this.

The solution to sadness is gratitude. Anger and hurt are corrected through connection. Shame is eradicated by grace. And the antidote to fear is faith.

Now before you start thinking this only applies to the religious among us, the word faith does not only mean faith in God. (Although I won't lie, this is one area where those who trust in God have a clearer path.)

Fear is conquered through trust in something, sadness is replaced with thankfulness for what we have, anger is soothed by the comfort of relationship, and shame is dismantled by loving grace. 

Although the formula may be simple, its application is profound. Because it requires answering some very deep, very personal questions. Like these:

What do I believe in?

What am I looking forward to?

Who or what can I trust?

What am I thankful for?

What has gone right in my life and the lives of those I love?

What do I have that I take for granted?

What do others lack that I don't?

Who cares for me? 

How do I know that they love me?

What are the good things they have done?

How can I show them my appreciation?

What have I done right?

What do others appreciate about me?

How have I grown in grace?

But once you look these questions in the eye, you have a roadmap out of your pain and suffering. Let's break it down by emotion.

Category One- Fear versus Confidence

The root of fear is the belief that something negative is coming. That danger lurks ahead, or our past actions will cause future repercussions. As I will explain in a future post, this is not always a bad thing. Without this warning system, we'd be running into danger all the time. But when it becomes paralyzing, and when we lose the ability to see all the good that is coming, we have a problem.

Once we've identified and replaced untrue thoughts, and solved the problems that are solvable, our next step is to shift gears. From fear to faith. Because we can't know for sure what the future holds, we have to trust that the good is just as likely (or perhaps even MORE likely) than the bad. We have to believe that even when bad things happen, growth and maturity can be born from it. We have to confidently accept that we can handle hard things, as we've survived them in the past. 

Christian note: We have something greater to hold to, our belief that this life is temporary, and a greater life is coming. A future not ruled by sin and death, but by life and goodness. However, we can't let this knowledge keep us from having faith in the present. From trusting that with Christ, all things are possible. That no matter the hardships, we are here, now, in this moment, for a reason. And that instead of being afraid of that, we can stand secure in the promises we have been given. We can strap on the armor of God and confidently step forth into our day to day. I will go into this more in depth in a future post.

Category Two- Negativity versus Gratitude

This was explained in detail in my post Steal Back Your Joy. The reality is, sadness comes from our thoughts about our situation. And when our thoughts are focused on what we don't have, we're miserable. But when we focus on what we do have, the tables turn. This might not be a habit you're familiar with. It might require effort. It might require taking time to step out into the world and connect with people who have less than you. It might take time to imagine what your life would be like without the blessings you currently have. 

Food. Clean water. Shelter. Books. Toys. Games. A car. A job. Clean air. New clothes. Shoes that fit. Heat. Central air. Vacation time. Birth control. Libraries. Fire services. A society based on law and order. Absence of war. Doctors. Convenient stores. Luxuries. Coffee. Your favorite mug. A soft blanket. A mattress to sleep on. Walking trails. Nature. Pain medication. Bug repellant. Mosquito nets. Electricity. Shampoo and conditioner. Washing machines. Paper and pencil. Sliced bread. (Seriously, it's become a joke, but cutting fresh baked bread is my nemesis!) You name it, there's someone, somewhere, without it.

Category Three- Hurt versus Comfort 

When we are hurt by the humanity and selfishness of others or the casual side effects of living in a less than perfect world (think about the thunderstorm that knocked down trees and took the power out a few weeks ago), we often retreat into our minds and ruminate on the unfairness of it all. But we are not meant to live in isolation. We aren't meant to do anything alone. We humans thrive on togetherness. And when we are hurt, we derive comfort from others. 

This is, in fact, the antidote to anger. Remember why the other person matters.

Good, healthy anger is designed to right injustice. We'll talk about that in a future post. But most of the anger we experience is a reaction to hurt that can be forgiven, or even unintentional. A great deal of our anger is created from our distorted sense of what should be, otherwise known as our expectations not matching reality. (See Steal Back Your Joy.)

The reality is, we are hurt most by those we expect the most from. The people we love. And if we can remember why we love them, why they matter, and what they deserve, it can shift our focus from our anger. 

And if we have been grievously hurt, we can derive comfort from those who haven't hurt us. Our parents. Our siblings. Our aunts and uncles and grandparents. Our cousins. Our friends. Our neighbors. Our classmates and coworkers. Our brothers and sisters at church. There is always someone, somewhere, you can connect with.

Christian note: Most importantly, we are to connect with our fellow Christians as a way to draw nearer to God. Our connection to God matters. But not in isolation from our connection to our fellow humans. God himself is not singular. He exists in eternal connection, Father/Spirit/Son. Three in one. When we think we can do it on our own, we're wrong.

Category Four- Shame versus Grace

There’s a difference between shame and guilt. Guilt says “I did bad,” for the purpose of restoration and behavior change. Shame says “I am bad.” One defines our actions. The other defines our self. Shame is never a positive emotion. It’s a “cling-on” emotion that sticks to us after we have (or believe we have) done something bad. It says “I can’t forgive myself,” or “I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

Grace is the opposite of shame. It says “I forgive with or without merit.” Grace is a choice. And it is a gift that is offered to us.

So What Do I Do When I don't know what to do? Counterbalance.

The antidote to fear is faith, the solution to sadness is gratitude, the correction of hurt is found in connection, and grace eradicates shame. Find something to confidently look forward to, something to be grateful for, and someone to be with. 

And do it again and again. Before something stressful. When you’re calm as a lark. When things are horrible. When things are great. Because the more you practice this thinking habit, the easier it will become. So I’ll say it again.

Have courage. Be grateful. Connect. Live grace fully.

It's that simple.