Steal Back Your Joy

Have you ever asked yourself what makes you sad? Or mad? Or anxious? What events take away your joy? If we were meeting in person, I'd have you list them. What happened this week, this month, this year, that left you reeling?

They gave the promotion to the new guy.

I lost my keys.

My daughter was diagnosed with a chronic illness.

My dog ran away.

I was injured before the big game.

My best friend left me for someone else.

They blamed me when it wasn't my fault.

Someone cut me off in traffic.

My little sister won't stop making fart noises.

The ref made an unfair call.

I was late to work.

My boyfriend dumped me.

My friend moved away.

I didn't make the team.

The doctor said it's cancer.

My parents prefer my brother.

I didn't get a perfect grade.

Some of these are big. Some are little. But they all have one thing in common. Things aren't the way we think they should be. The truth is, our negative emotions all come from the same place.

Our expectations don't match our reality.

And it hurts.

So what do we do? There are two options. Change reality or change our expectations. Sometimes our emotions are serving the positive purpose of driving us to change our reality. To problem solve and fix the broken situations we find ourselves in. But often, reality is outside our control. So we are left with the second option.

How do we change our expectations? We change our thoughts.

Here's a psychological truth bomb that will change your world.

Your emotions are not caused by events. They are caused by your thoughts about those events.

Let me repeat that. Bigger.

Your emotions are not caused by events. They are caused by your thoughts about those events.

I'm not mad because my sister is annoying. I'm mad because I think she shouldn't be. I'm not sad because my dog ran away. I'm sad because I want him here and he's not.

This may sound like the same thing, but it is a subtle, yet important distinction. We can't change events. We can change our thoughts.

I don't get annoyed when a random stranger drums on their subway seat. But I yell at my sister. Why? Because "she knows better." Because I assume she is doing it to annoy me. Because, because, because. It's all about my thoughts about what is happening.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a row of rose bushes along your driveway. You worked hard to cultivate them, and you were proud of them. Then, one sunny summer day, your neighbor ran them over. Tore them straight up out of the ground with his rear bumper.

How do you feel? Angry? Sad? Those are both perfectly valid emotions. You're allowed to be sad that your roses are gone. You're allowed to be angry at the injustice of losing something unfairly.

But what if I told you that you love this man like your own father, and he had a seizure and lost control of his car, but the rose bushes protected him from going out into the busy street.

Now how do you feel? Happy? Guilty for your first feelings?

There is plenty I could teach you from this story, but today, I'm using it to illustrate the shift in your emotional state upon learning a new piece of information.

A change in thought created a change in emotion.

The relief at his safety and the forgiveness for the roses did not negate the sadness and anger. Those were both, and continue to be, fair emotions (if directed at the event, not the man). But a change in perspective changes the intensity of those negative emotions.

A change in perspective changes the intensity of our negative emotions.

If we can reshape our expectations to match reality, and weed out untrue and unhelpful thoughts to change our perspective, we can dramatically alter our emotional state.*

And our new thoughts need repeated again and again until they dig deeper and deeper into our minds. Until they root out the untruths and we find ourselves believing what we once thought impossible and finding joy in the midst of pain.

Simply put, new thoughts lead to new emotions.

Now, I know some of my readers are not faith-based. So if that is you, here is where you can stop reading. But for those of you who believe in the Bible, there's more.

In Romans 12:2, we're told to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. And in Philippians 4:8 we're told to specifically think about whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.

I believe these verses are talking about intentionally shifting our focus away from the things that aren't they way they should be. There is nothing wrong with noticing that things aren't right. In fact, because our expectations are based on God's perfect creation, we should recognize that things are bad. The discomfort we feel is a shadow of God's pain at seeing this broken world.

But unlike our unbelieving brothers and sisters, we know that perfection is coming. We can accept reality and praise through the pain because it will not be forever. We will have all of eternity to live in perfection.

Until then, keep your eyes UP, on Jesus, the one who wrote your story and fine-tunes your faith, who stepped out of perfection to pave a way for us to one day step in.

So when life tries to steal your joy, take it back. Turn to Jesus. Look to eternity. Choose a new focus.

I highly recommend clicking on the two resources below. If you don't have the time to listen now, save them for later. Both the sermon and the song are worth listening to on repeat.

For the inspiration for this post, see Anthony Fusco at Northwest Bible Church in Hilliard Ohio's sermon from 5/19/24, on 1 Peter 1:8-12. Click this paragraph to watch the video, highlighting the importance of keeping our eyes on God's presence regardless of our circumstances, and our call to love, trust, and rejoice in God through our suffering.

For a phenomenal song about singing through the suffering, listen to God of Every Grace by Keith and Kristyn Getty and Matt Papa.

* Reshaping our expectations to match reality is called radical acceptance in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). Replacing untrue/unhelpful thoughts is the basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.